**Parenting through Grief ** So most of you know Ebben was our second son, he has a wonderful big brother called Elian who is 3 years old...a particularly difficult and demanding age but also an age where they are incredibly lovable and its wonderful to see them growing and changing so much.
Elian has been my reason to get up in the morning, my strength to keep going and keep moving forward, even when the waves of grief have been so strong I didnt think I could get past them. He has no idea just how much I owe to him, and will have no idea how much I've relied on his presence in our life.
But I have to be incredibly honest...I dont think I've been a very good mum to Elian these past few weeks. Yes I've realised I love that boy more than I ever thought possible, and I thank god that I have him in my life every day as I know he is the reason I am able to keep functioning most days. I've made the most of every cuddle and every chance to kiss him and tell him I love him as I shall no longer ever take these simple acts for granted.
But I also know my patience has been finer, my temper shorter, some days my compassion and empathy have been non-existent, my energy levels so low I dont want to play or do anything remotely fun...simple answer some days I just dont want to be mum. But it was more than just not wanting to parent, in those early days it took every ounce of energy I had simply to function as a human, there wasnt any left to parent as well. And for that I so often feel guilty and just plain awful that Elian isnt getting me at my best, he isnt getting the mum he deserves. I've made a conscious effort that he shant miss out on things, so even if I'm not feeling strong enough to take him to parties or swim class I make sure someone else can take him. But at home behind closed doors it's often a different case.
Now we are 12 weeks into this new life as bereaved parents I am starting to find my new normal, I'm getting better at balancing my grief for Ebben with my ability to be mum to Elian, but it's still hard. I still have days were I just want to lock the entire world out and just be alone...but I'm trying! For Elian I am trying! Смотреть полностью